Truth & Sleep Deprivation...a nasty combo

I am sure you have noticed you haven't seen many posts here lately...no new pictures or bright funny stories to share.  I figured it was about time Mommy sat down and spilled the truth, I can maybe catch up the rest of our blogs on my next day off.  SO here it is, brace yourself.

I am exhausted.  I don't mean "Newly Pregnant,"  "Worn Out Mom of 2 Toddlers," or "Can't Stop My Brain When I Lay Down At Night" tired...I mean EXHAUSTED.  Gavin has never once slept through the night, not once in his 16months of life.  He has been sick the past week and our getting up every 1-2 hrs has turned into getting up every 30-45min.  Logan was sleeping through the night for the most part(maybe getting up 2-3 times per week at night) but has regressed also. Rightnow I am hating the idea of nighttime and everything it stands for.  It's like a cruel joke, I thinkmight catch a nap and WHAMMO!  Time to deal with one or the other again.  I hate saying that, makes me feel so ungrateful to have 2 beautiful, healthy children who want no more than for me to get up 8-16 times a night with them while others face horrible struggles, medical issues or worse yet not having their babies here on earth.  But, I have always been a fan of keeping it real and this is just about as real as I can get.

At 5months old, I started bringing Gavin to bed with me when he would wake.  OH, GASP! A nurse,with a family bed!!! I know, and he is still alive...it's a miracle. I enjoyed him much more at night, didn't mind his nighttime nursings but they have gotten progressively more often and his quality of sleep inbetween more and more poor.  Aside from being sick, he has now turned into a hateful temper tantrum throwing little brat who resembles nothing of the sweet little boy I used to      know when he would sleep at least 3-4 hours in a row, at least once each night. 

Now with a history of bleeding with my last pregnancy and preterm labor, I am ready to wean and he is nursing more than ever.  Daddy tries to help but he screams and screams until he gets what he wants.  When he wakes at night he has been kicking me in the gut, and I don't mean in a sweet tender way.  I am also worried that as pregnancy bladder begins to take over and I have to get up more at night, even if he is asleep he could wake and roll out of bed and hurt himself.  He has done this twice when I have left him in bed with Daddy, makes me feel like a horrid Mom.

Logan, never spent one night in our room, let alone our bed.  I would get up every hour to go to his room and cuddle/rock/nurse him.  I didn't enjoy him at all during this phase and was actually on antidepressants to help me cope when we got pregnant with Gavin.  Let's just say the past 3 years are starting to wear on me.

While I feel mostly at fault for their poor sleep habits, I also think I have tried to mother them how I felt was truly the best.  Tonight, Logan is with Nana and it's operation bed time for Gavin.  I moved his crib into Logan's room last weekend but he has spent maybe 3 cumulative night hours there.  So as I type this he is screaming his lungs out...I can hear the snot rattling in the back of the throat and hear him head banging the bed rail...what a peaceful evening.

I am also trying to justify to my husband that we have tried everything else, I am out of ideas except "CRY IT OUT" and threatening that unless he wants to get up with him the whole night he better not dare open that door.  I am sure as tired as I am I look like a 3 headed monster, breathing fire with lightening flying out of my finger tips...maybe not, but nevertheless he didn't offer to get up with him and he didn't open the door.

So 16min in, he has given up and laid down to sleep.  I am sure it won't be our only screaming fit for the night.  I would actually venture to say he will probably be up in 45 min to do it all over again.  God bless my strong willed children and their perseverance...I've no idea where they get their stubborn streaks. I'm gonna roll into bed and enjoy even 45min of quiet sleep.  Here's to hoping Gavin is a quick learner...this never worked with Logan.